My soul.

My mental health isn't doing so well, I really want to delete all social media and just stay in my room watching youtube/listening to music while coding but there's people that I can't just ditch like that, I'd feel horrible if I did even though I feel horrible now lmao. I really don't know what to do it's like a never ending cycle of slipping deeper and deeper into depression while trying to keep up an act of being sane, it really sucks.

I've been trying to focus on the good parts of life but everytime I do something else gets thrown my way. I was going to buy a car I really liked but then the guy sold it under me the day before I was going to go and buy it, that really pissed me off because I really liked that car. It was a 2004 lancer I'm not sure of the exact model because I can't remember but I think it's a ck or something like that.

I feel like im trapped in a messy room with a tv, just looking at the tv playing what my eyes see. Watching my life unfold from behind the tv, unable to engage or connect with the world, everything I do takes so much energy leaving me wanting to not do anything.

Struggling with mental health while everything around me keeps going wrong demotivates me to an insane extent, most days I don't even want to leave my bed, I just want to stay locked in my room like a recluse only ever leaving to get food but yet again that would end up going wrong, maybe the food is burnt, doesn't arrive on time who knows. I always wonder what it's like to be "normal" by other people's standards, I've always felt distant from people creating a fake personality of myself to match that person so they'd like me, it's gotten to the point where I can't even remember what my original personality is like.

Since I was a kid I've always felt different, I don't remember most of my childhood but most days I'd come home and watch what ever was playing on cartoon network, then I'd go to sleep, I never wanted to study but I guess that's normal as a kid, I'd fuss and do what ever I could to not have to study and that transfered to later in my life, even now I hate studying, I don't know if it's because I can't focus on something for that long, or if it's because i get distracted very easily, or if it's just because I have no motivation to do it, I just can't do it. Studying to me feels like torture to me, even if I love the topic and want to learn more about it, it feels like a chore, to sit down infront of a computer screen and read documets, books what ever method I'd use I just get bored and end up doing something else.